Brooke

Meet Brooke mother to a 5 year old boy and 2 year old girl.

Sometimes being strong means letting the tears flow and words to follow them.

When I visited Brooke, I felt like I was looking into a mirror one year ago. It was a time when I thought leaving my wedding photography business and becoming a stay-at-home-mom (SAHM) would be best for my family. Little did I know that would mean losing my entire sense of self, my confidence as a mother and woman and just simply derail me. I felt deep guilt that I didn’t love stay-at-home life with my two boys whom I treasure with all my heart. But my heart ached for creation. Still does, always will.

I knew right away that Brooke was in a similar struggle. She is a wedding photographer and due to the pandemic, most (if not all?) of her 2020 weddings have been rescheduled. I could see how this has impacted her identity as she unraveled before me. I could see the heartbreak from temporarily losing a job she deeply loves and feels connected to with absolutely no notice. A career that fills her up in addition to her children, providing her with balance while achieving that modern woman dream. All completely out of her control.

Thank you Brooke for trusting me. For opening your heart and sharing how the pandemic impacts a driven woman who tries her damn hardest to be the best mom she can possibly be. I know so many can relate to you and I send you so much love for your courage. You are a warm, loving, INCREDIBLE mother.

Words by Brooke:
“When Ashley showed up to our window and asked me how I was doing, I crumbled. The tears flowed down my cheeks and I couldn't speak . I realized in that moment that no one has truly looked at me with such intention and asked how I was doing. She helped me feel seen and heard.

I think that is what I struggle with most during this situation; feeling that I don't have a place in the world anymore. My job as a wedding photographer disappeared for 2020 and not only am I struggling with financial stress of being unemployed for a year or more, I feel that I've lost my sense of purpose.

As a mom of two young children, I've always felt "my best" as a mom when I was working as a photographer; it helped me have an outlet for something I am so passionate about and that helped recharge my battery as a mom. Losing that outlet has made me feel like I don't know who I am meant to be anymore.

In so many ways, our family is ok. Our five and two year old continue on safely and securely here at home. We are surviving and are healthy. We continue to feed our children.

There's a huge stress of what we will do if I can't go back to work next year but we are taking it day by day. Some days I feel so lucky to be home and safe with my kids and other days I feel so angry that I am here, unable to get out into the world and do what I love.

I miss our boring daily routine of school, errands and work. I miss the carefreeness of taking my children grocery shopping (something my son LOVED to participate and help with.) If I am being totally honest, some days feel so desperate and impossible and then the next day comes, and it feels hopeful and happy in its simplistic way.

When Ashley asked me what I had gained through this, I told her nothing. I wept and wept and felt so embarrassed that I couldn't say a single thing if I was being honest in that moment. My son saw my pain and started to cry, too. We held each other and I saw something in his eyes that I will never forget.

The next day after Ashley came I realized I don't have to be perfect as a mom - but I do have to try my best each day. Some days that isn't as admirable as others but I owe it to my children to give my absolute best. And so I am trying to do just that; one day at a time, my best for my family and myself.”