Melissa

From my encounters with over 30 women, there is this common thread of anxiety weaving in out of many women right now and that thread is thickest among pregnant women. Giving birth is one of the mightiest moments of uncertainty and anticipation in a woman’s life. With this pandemic, that has been met with even more uncertainty with the possibility of being separated from their newborn baby for 2 weeks. Or losing their support partner during delivery. All an unfathomable loss to a mother.

When Melissa reached out, I felt her fear. I felt her thinking of every worst case scenario and trying to solve it before the birth even takes place. I know the kind of mother Melissa is. The kind that is prepared, thoughtful, analytical. Tries her damn best. Melissa, I’m sending you so much love during this time. I know that this is not easy but once your baby is here, I know so much of the stress will be lifted and you can enjoy being a new family of four. I deeply wish and pray that for you. <3
Words by Melissa:
“In some ways the effect this pandemic has had on me has nothing to do with being pregnant and in other ways it has everything to do with being pregnant.

I’ve dealt with anxiety pretty much for my entire life. Those that know me well, know that I can be a bit of a worrier. I’m a very careful, cautious individual and I tend to think through every possible situation in order to prepare (sometimes for the worst). In terms of being pregnant during a pandemic: these traits can be debilitating. It’s robbed me of so much joy this pregnancy. We struggled to get pregnant with my first (my son), and I remember feeling like I was like Cloud 9 for the entire pregnancy. Every morning I woke up and took a picture of my belly and thanked God for the little miracle growing inside of me.

This time, I often have to remind myself that I’m pregnant. To celebrate the joy, the miracle. It’s not that I’m not grateful: we tried hard for this baby as well. I already love him/her more than words — but the simple joys that come with being pregnant aren’t so simple anymore.

Instead of spending my time preparing the nursery or choosing baby names — I’ve spent my time researching laboring women’s rights, evaluating options for home birth, joining conference calls with the hospital, printing & signing waivers about separating mom from baby, and the list goes on. We haven’t left the house in over two months other than for walks and doctors appointments. Most friends and family have had to watch my growing belly through photos or FaceTime. No one other than my husband & I has felt the baby kick.

I’m not blind to privilege and I know that we are lucky to be safe & healthy at home. We are blessed that my husband is able to work from home and quarantine with us. We are lucky that so far we haven’t gotten sick. But every single day I worry about catching the virus before this baby comes. I want to walk my neighborhood in peace, but every time I return home I wonder if it was a “safe” outing. I count down the days until the baby comes, not because I’m prepared & ready to welcome the baby — but because it’s the amount of days left to stay healthy and symptom free. And I do all of this while trying to parent a 2-year-old with endless energy who has had his world turned upside down.

So much about the state of things knocks the wind out of me right now. If I stop to think about how much is different and all the time we’ve lost — I feel crippled. So I’ve had to stop watching the news. I limit social media. I’ve found that the only way through this is by living in our own little bubble. I don’t have the capacity to think about what the world will look like in the next few weeks or in the next 6 months. I can’t engage in conversations about vaccines or conspiracy theories or the economy. Sadly, I’m numb to so much. I just power through and take it one day at a time: celebrating the small victory at night that we’ve made it through another day safe.”